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I am hotdog, apparently. XD
fucking alex.
fucking me.
I hate myself.
I gotta stop.
This isnapos;t healthy.
=] But Iapos;m happy.
And nothing that Iapos;m doing is wrong

Why do I feel so guilty?

I donapos;t know. I feel like Pierce does nothing but let me down all the time. Being completely honest. Iapos;m trying to be more honest with myself, without rationalizing. Therapist said I rationalize to the point where my actual feelings donapos;t come up. So. Completely honest. I feel let down and blown off... All the time.

I feel like Iapos;m such a bitch because I have to throw a fit after it happens.

I donapos;t know why I do, itapos;s not like it keeps it from happening.

Just.
Ugh.
I hate being promised something, but then the person going back on their promise. Thatapos;s one of my biggest irks. I. Hate. That. Ugggh. I understand if thereapos;s a good reason... Like, if someone had made a big deal about going to the movies or something and promised that we go... So I, because I think weapos;re going, cancelt all other plans, or not make any other plans, so that Iapos;ll be open for this event... But then they call and theyapos;re mom has them doing something, or someoneapos;s sick, or car fucks up... Things that are UNDERSTANDABLE. Getting Magic cards (card game Magic)... Thatapos;s not on my "Understandable" list.

I hate thiiiiisssss.

I also hate how I have to stay up and sacrifice sleep because of him.
I have early fucking classes.
Why canapos;t he understand this?


I just. Ugh. I hate it.

BUT. I know that he loves me. And heapos;s not always an ass. And he likes it when Iapos;m happy.

thereapos;s just. Ugh. He does so much other wonderful things that this REALLY shouldnapos;t get to me.... But itapos;s the one thing in the very beginning of dating that I told him I hated.

fuuuck everyyythiiiiing.

=[ hanging out with Alex does not make it better. I always feel like Iapos;m letting HIM down. But Iapos;m not, because I never promise anything. He cares about Elise, anyways, so itapos;s not like I could really let him down. Hahaa. =] Heapos;s awesome.

Iapos;m terrible.
ugh.

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AHHH Ramona..
Te Posso Dir' che, er numero dei cojones nun lo trovo .ma ho trovato sta traduzione ...
(I coglioni sono anche dei gustosi frutti molli, buoni da masticare. La raccolta di coglioni deve essere fatta in autunno. Da coglione infatti deriva il verbo ["BANNARE '']
Er numero de quanno' fanno buhhh e 10..Me lo so' cercata sola.senza aiuto de Gregoruccio ,
Se volete ve passo anche er sito
Mo' vado a cerca' er numero dei delinquenti ...
Va' va' a dopo...

Cozza_amara

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Iapos;m very slack in that I did not say how awesome Kitapos;s party was.
Basically it was awesome and I had loads of fun and it was good to see everyone and I sort of ended up wanting to shag Mossman by the end of the night.
I blame the outfit. Itapos;s not my fault it was screaming Ryan Evans at me.

Iapos;m very stupid in that I spent most of today reading fanfiction. DAMN it all

- Is it possible to somehow edit the account you used to reply to comments? Iapos;ve replied to comments left in another journal with THIS name and I was wondering if itapos;s possible to change it to the other accounts name. Probably not Iapos;m guessing, so Iapos;m thinking Iapos;m going to have to delete all my replies to the comments....


I was slightly sad to learn that my current crush of the month is no longer single.

Anyway, Iapos;m trying to work out if I want to go to Uni tomorrow. Iapos;ll have low net qouta which is putting me off since thereapos;s still quite a few online resources I need to check out. And the essay isnapos;t due til Tuesday so...

*huffs*

I dunno.

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During uncertain times like these, we have both found something of great value in meditating on a regular basis. When you quiet your mind and go within, you find that the answer to feelings of fear are in focusing instead on the gratitude you feel for those things you still have to be grateful for.

The more you focus on what you are grateful for, the happier you feel, and it is this happiness that leads to enthusiasm and confidence which lead to prosperity. With this in mind, resolve to begin each day as the Native American shaman teach, with thanks to the creator for your life and for each day.

The best way to do this is to remember that many of the great teachers have always said, that the past is gone and the future does exist yet. It is only in the present moment that we find the joy of life. As Seth/Jane Roberts has said "The present is the point of power. There is no finished past or preordained future."

So the present moment is where we find both happiness as well as the power to create the future we desire. If we can spend the present free of fear and filled with gratitude, we are then in our most resourceful place to create what we need.

In the last month we have continued to work on our next release, Sound Peace which is the second volume of our 25th Anniversary Collection that will be released in Feb. Listening to these soothing and healing songs has been very welcome during this time and we hope that it will help to make everyone's lives a little more peaceful when they hear it also.

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Iapos;ve been waiting for one of my credit card bills. Never came in the mail. Email reminder says itapos;s due this Wednesday. I tried logging in online. Problem? Canapos;t remember my UserID. It says it includes letters numbers. Iapos;m at a blank. I never use numbers. It says my cardapos;s been registered already - and I have the email confirmation, but no UserID. Iapos;m too tired and cranky to try and call them; the phone is too far away and I have one of those stupid coiled phones in my room (itapos;s the only one that works in power outages).

I see this past week has been hell on a lot of people. I hate long weekends. Always have to work and profs think itapos;s ingenious timing for midterms and assignments. And of course it also happened to be my volunteer week. My week in summary: 2 mts, paper, ppt for a presentation, skipped 3 classes (yikes), every morning I tried to wake up at 5am to study, but nope, still got up at 8am (will power = ZERO).

So plan is to go to bed and get two days worth of sleep. Deal with the bill Monday.
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The computer died last night.� It went blank in the middle of my writing a journal post.� Subsequent attempts to reboot proved useless, as the yellow light blinked off and on, and the system made a whirring sound.� Iapos;m hoping itapos;s just the power supply, but it could be the motherboard.� My working theory is that the new external drive was too much for my ports, and it fried the USB ports (which I replaced).� Both of them going dead at the same time is too much of a coincidence.� The external drive is also now dead and I am going to pay someone to try to get my music off there.

I�got the computer back from the store and it worked well for a day or two, with the USB ports working.� I�still think I�probably could have put a new card in myself, but I�was chicken.� (And not sure that was all of the problem. �Which it wasnapos;t.)��Iapos;d been worried that my computer was going bad, and later events proved it.� The not-shutting-down-completely problem, along with the fan noise, came at about that time, too.� So weapos;ll see what it is, I guess.� I�took the PC�back to J.C. Computers, where theyapos;ll do a diagnostic. �If itapos;s the motherboard, Iapos;m going to try learning to build a computer on my own.� It will be cheaper than buying a new computer that I canapos;t afford.�

So the lesson here?� Sometimes when I am paranoid, Iapos;m right. � For this weekend, Iapos;m taking the office computer home to use.

Yesterday I rode down to Montgomery with my father and a client for a Veterans Compensation hearing at the Regional Office.� Have you ever spent five hours with someone who is paranoid and delusional?� Not only that, but he skipped his medication that day so he wouldnapos;t be sleepy.� Mainly he thinks the government is out to get him, and theyapos;ve been persecuting him since he served in the Army twenty years ago.� Our argument is that there may have been an incident where the commanding officer tried to get him out of the service, or at least his unit, and this was the trigger for his delusional disorder.� We had to wait an hour and a half in the lobby because the hearings officer assigned to us was sick, but eventually they gave us another one.

Since Dad drove (we took my motherapos;s BMV, which is a stickshift) and I�rode in the back, I was able to tune out most of what was being said.� I was also extremely sleepy for the first half of the day, which I�canapos;t figure out what is going on with that.� At least I perked up for the hearing, even if it took a can of Pepsi on top of my regular medicine to keep me awake.� I�think Iapos;m getting enough sleep, but maybe Iapos;m not sleeping well.� For most of the day, I�didnapos;t enjoy being conscious�� I slept for less than six hours last night, though, but Iapos;ve felt more rested than on eight,� possibly thanks to the half of an Ambien I took when I�got tired of laying in bed waiting for sleep to come.� After 45 minutes, I�got up, took the Ambien, and played guitar until I�could feel my concentration waning and my body tiring.�

I wonapos;t tell you how much of the stress and pressure come from worrying about money.� But itapos;s a significant amount.� Iapos;m going to defer paying a few bills and try advertising again soon in the local trade magazine, because I�need to take another chance at bringing in new business.




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Ha. Another post in less than nearly six months time. Admittedly, for one of them meme-quiz-y sorts of things, I suppose. But I saw this and figured, with how things are going, may as well point out there are good with bad.

Post 10 things that are going right in your life right now. I donapos;t care how small. Youapos;re happy with your cup of coffee. You saw a flock of geese flying over. ANYTHING. Things that make you happy. Things that make you smile. No pressure. No need for keeping them in order.

1. Iapos;m recovering from surgery in an apparently dandy fashion. I keep forgetting that Iapos;m not supposed to do a lot of things, even so. And friends keep helping me out and checking up on me. Kick ass.
2. My awesome Pandora station based off "Carry On my Wayward Son" by Kansas...awesome, I say
3. We finally got to see apos;Dark Knightapos;--and we managed to do it the last week it was in theaters, even Only slightly cutting it close. Loved Heath Ledger as the Joker, stupid overdose.
4. Slightly drunken serenading for hours before/at dawn, with the music blasting and singing at the top of oneapos;s lungs.
5. Good company.
6. Iapos;ve been reading lots of good books lately. If you like fantasy with a little bit more meat (and mostly not so much with the "high" but more with the "low"), I suggest you check out these three books: Mistborn, The Name of the Wind, and The Lies of Locke Lamora. And Iapos;ve got time to check out some more, so...suggestions?
7. Ben has a job Now, if only I can follow suit...^_^
8. My fuzzy slippers...mm, fuzzy.
9. My family and Cory. Honestly, I donapos;t think I could ask for better people in my life.
10. Coldplay concert in November Holy smokes Loves the Coldplay. (Now, to convince Ben to come to this one, too...)

From Cory:
1. House renovations
2. Fapos;norapos;s (Coryapos;s diabetic cat) health seems to be good
3. Laura is recovering from surgery nicely
4. Business school (and keggers?)
5. Thrashers have started with a good start (and, by the way, itapos;s hockey season again)
6. A good friend gets to keep his license and not go to jail
7. Completion of preemptive strike on paperwork (for work)
8. Clean socks and underwear--in the drawer, where they belong no less.
9. My car is happy that itapos;s autumn--cold air intake = vroom vroom in cooler weather
10. I have a Laura


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